Spiritual Whiplash: When Obedience to God Collides with Women In The Church

For as long as I can remember, I have been a strong girl, then a strong teenager, and eventually a strong woman.

My parents faced daily challenges with me because I was never satisfied with “because I said so.” I needed to understand why. I questioned, I pushed back, and I wanted things to make sense.

I have always cared deeply about justice and felt compelled to speak up and do what was right. Leadership roles found me naturally, without much effort.

In high school, I served as senior class president and spoke at our graduation in front of more than 5,000 people. In the world, my leadership was never a problem. I went on to earn my master’s degree and, not long after starting as a sales representative, I was leading a sales force of both men and women at a medical equipment company. A few years later, my husband joined the same sales force, and I was his boss.

None of my natural leadership seemed to be an issue until I began following Jesus more closely. And to be clear, before becoming a true follower of Jesus, the way I led was often marked by pride, control, arrogance, and self-assurance. I did not yet understand surrender to God because I was very good at being my own god. Whether male or female, that kind of leadership is never healthy.

By the grace of God, I experienced a nervous breakdown caused by severe panic and anxiety disorder that turned my world upside down. Slowly, the cares of this life, money, achievements, success, and what people thought of me faded into the background. What mattered most was obedience to Jesus, the One who saved me from the wretched and tormenting panic and anxiety I was facing. I learned I was not in control and that surrendering my life to the Son of God, Jesus Christ, was the only way forward.

It was from this place of surrender that the collision began. What I now recognize as spiritual whiplash, when obedience to God collides with women in the church, emerged as I grew in my understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus. My natural God given abilities of leading, shepherding, counseling, and teaching people came out in full force. 

The whiplash began when women and men of God who had been following Jesus far longer than I had started saying things like, “Your house is out of order. You need to let your husband lead,” or, “You are rebellious and need to learn to submit to male authority.” Suddenly, my body jolted with confusion, fear, anxiety, and doubt. Why would I follow a God who did not want me to use the gifts He had naturally given me?

This idea of me “submitting” to men felt strange to me. And I want to be clear, I understand that in Christianity we are not called to follow our feelings. But I am sharing my story with you and how this unfolded in real time.

Up until this point, Troy, my husband, and I had always led together in our home, long before we were following Christ closely. Decisions were made together. Our children heard from both their mother and their father. My voice was never suppressed or devalued. Troy leaned on me for hard decisions just as I leaned on him. We worked together as equals in everything we did, and still do today. In our home, and in secular spaces, I never felt held back.

So you can imagine how difficult it was for me, as a sold-out follower of Jesus, to wrap my head and heart around what many Christians call “male headship” in the home and the church. This framework often does not allow women to lead, teach, preach, or shepherd in certain areas, depending on the theological lens one holds. While these views vary across a wide spectrum, they often land in the same place, limiting women and devaluing their God-given gifts.

Unfortunately, this framework followed me into the local churches I attended from 2007 to 2023. Sixteen years. I repeatedly hit what felt like a glass ceiling in the church, and each time I did, I grew more exhausted. My head and my heart were tired from the collision.

In one former church, I shared with the pastors that I felt “oppressed.” Here is what I meant by that. Oppression, as it relates to women not being allowed to lead or teach in the church, is the systemic restriction of a person’s God-given voice, authority, or calling based solely on gender, rather than character, gifting, or spiritual fruit. One of the pastors responded, “That seems a little intense.” To him, oppression felt like too strong of a word. After all, women were not being beaten, abused, or completely silenced.

While that was true, I was watching men lead, teach, and shepherd simply because they were men, not because of gifting, character, or spiritual fruit. That hypocrisy weighed heavily on my heart. And this is where the justice side of me began to rise.

In another encounter, a lead pastor called me about a woman he was considering hiring. He was essentially asking what I thought about bringing her onto his staff. I told him plainly that she was a powerhouse of a leader and a natural-born teacher. I also told him that if he capped her gifts and refused to let her teach a mixed audience, it would be deeply unfortunate. Then I asked him a simple question: “What do you believe about women in ministry?” His response was, “I won’t touch that topic with a ten-foot pole.”

The grief I felt from that one comment alone took me years to recover from.

I know that might sound dramatic. Years to recover? Why? I have spent a lot of time praying through that question. I believe it is because when good men do nothing, it grieves the heart of the Father. In so many church spaces, men occupy elder rooms, pulpits, leadership roles, and decision-making tables, while the female voice is often absent, overlooked, or treated as an afterthought. Women are welcomed as helpful, but not as essential. Valued, but not fully trusted. Seen as assistants rather than strong allies.

This led me to a major come-to-Jesus moment I want to share with you.

Meet my dear friend Chrissy, pictured below. 

Ezer Kenegdo does not mean suitable helper but rather equally corresponding strength

She has been on her own journey of understanding biblical womanhood. I gave her a sweatshirt that says Ezer Kenegdo because when we both came to understand what that phrase truly means, it brought an unexpected sense of freedom. Let me explain.

At the beginning of my journey, when men and women of God were trying to help me understand my biblical role as a woman, this was the Scripture they almost always started with:

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18

I genuinely love helping people. And the more I fell in love with Jesus, the more serving others became part of my everyday life. But something in me paused when my womanhood was reduced to being a “helper” to a man. And to be clear, there are many things in Scripture that challenge me or make me uncomfortable. Discomfort alone does not mean something is untrue.

Still, this did not feel like conviction. It felt like confusion.

It made me question whether what I was being taught reflected the heart of God, or simply a narrow interpretation of it. And if I am being completely honest, if “helper” meant secondary or subordinate, I did not know how to reconcile my faith with a God who viewed women that way. I was not sure how I could feel comfortable sharing a faith that diminished the very way He had created me.

Now do you see why this became a crisis of faith for me? 

About two years ago, I came across a teaching by Kristi McLelland through the Better Together program that helped me understand what “suitable helper” actually means in the original Hebrew. Kristi explained that the phrase is ezer kenegdo. Ezer means helper, aid, or strength, and it carries the idea of providing strength in a way someone cannot generate on their own. This same word, ezer, is used throughout Scripture to describe God Himself in His relationship to Israel.

Then she said something that brought tears to my eyes: “The first word God chose to describe woman is a word He chose for Himself.”

Now that is a God I can get behind. That is a God who makes me feel seen, valued, loved, and needed.

Recently I was reading my new friend Lydia Grace Kaiser’s book called Bible Truth About Women; What They Don’t Tell You and I learned that a more accurate description of "suitable helper” would be “equally corresponding strength.” (Side note: I am about 83 pages into her book, and I am deeply impressed by the strength of her leadership, the care and integrity with which she handles the interpretation of Scripture, and the depth of her scholarly study.)

“Equally corresponding strength”, I believe, reflects God’s heart toward women, not as submissive helpers, but as allies full of strength, power, and deep value. Women carry something essential that is needed in every space of life to help reveal the true heart of God. When homes or churches leave out or suppress the female voice, something vital is missing, and the fullness of God’s heart is not fully seen.

Ezer Kenegdo does not mean suitable helper but rather equally corresponding strength

I am not asking those who have always held firm convictions about men and women’s roles in the church and home to abandon them lightly or dismiss Scripture. I am simply pleading for humility and holy curiosity. I am asking men and women to slow down and study this again from a different perspective, perhaps through the lived faith of the women in your life who clearly walk with Jesus, bear good fruit, and have been entrusted by God with gifts to lead, teach, and shepherd. Listen to their stories. Watch their faithfulness. Consider whether the Spirit might be inviting deeper reflection.

And to those faithfully attending church who may have had no idea this has been happening behind the scenes, I want to invite you into awareness, not guilt. Many people assume that if something were truly harmful, someone would say something or leadership would address it. Often, women do speak up, quietly, repeatedly, and at great personal cost. You can help by listening when women share their experiences, asking thoughtful questions, and paying attention to whose voices are present and whose are missing in leadership and teaching spaces. Advocate for women to be heard. Create room at the table. Sometimes the most Christlike thing you can do is notice what has been overlooked and lovingly ask, “Who is not being heard here?”

Lastly, I want to speak to those who have stepped away from church, maybe because of the way you were taught how Christian women are supposed to behave, or because Scripture was taught in a way that made you feel smaller, silenced, or less than. I see you. And more importantly, Jesus sees you.

Let me tell you about my Jesus. He deeply loves you. He values you. He sees you. You are not an afterthought or a problem to be managed. You are an important ally in the Kingdom of God, not a voiceless helper. You are strong, needed, and called. And if you have been wounded, devalued, overlooked, or made to feel small in church spaces, please hear me clearly, that was not Jesus.

This is why I wrote this. Not for the people who believe they have it all figured out, but for you. For the ones who were pushed to the margins, misunderstood, or quietly left because staying hurt too much. Jesus has always moved toward the wounded and the unseen, not away from them. He is not offended by your questions or your pain. He is inviting you back to Himself, where love restores, truth heals, and your voice matters.

Love, 

Does this blog post stir something in you to take action, but you are not sure what to do next?

Here are a few simple and practical steps you can take.

I recently had my friend Andrew read this blog post in draft form. Truly, read about our first encounter here. It was wild. He had such kind encouragement and thanked me for using my voice. After reading, he shared that he is a practical guy and likes to know clear next steps. That stuck with me. So I sat with it and put a few together for you.

1. Broaden what you study. If your exposure has mainly been to teachings like male headship, women submitting to men, limits on women teaching, or women not being called pastors, often grouped under complementarianism, consider intentionally learning other viewpoints. Read, watch, and study perspectives you may not have engaged before. I have compiled the resources I have personally studied on both sides of this conversation here: A Comprehensive Guide to the Debate on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: Key Resources and Perspectives.

2. Create space for real conversations. Open your home, office, or phone to conversations with both women and men who hold a mutuality view of Scripture. Listen. Ask questions. Share stories. Avoiding the conversation altogether is rarely helpful. Growth often happens through honest, respectful dialogue.

3. Pray with openness and humility. This may be the most important step. Ask the Lord to search your heart and gently reveal any areas of Scripture where you have held firm conclusions that may need deeper study, fresh understanding, or greater humility. Invite Him to teach you, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.